Asshole

Album: No Cure For Cancer (1993)
  • Folks, Id like to sing a song about the American Dream
    About me, about you
    About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests
    About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts
    Maybe below the cockles,
    Maybe in the sub cockle area,
    Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys,
    Maybe even in the colon, we dont know

    Im just a regular Joe, with a regular job
    Im your average white, suburbanite slob
    I like football and porno and books about war
    I got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor
    My wife and my job, my kids and my car
    My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar

    But sometimes that just aint enough to keep a man like me interested
    (oh no, no way, uh uh)
    No I gotta go out and have fun at someone elses expense
    (woah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah)
    I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane
    While people behind me are going insane

    Im an asshole (hes an asshole)
    Im an asshole (hes an asshole, such an asshole)

    I use public toilets and I piss on the seat
    I walk around in the summer time saying "how about this heat?"

    Im an asshole (hes an asshole)
    Im an asshole (hes the worlds biggest asshole)

    Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
    While handicapped people make handicapped faces

    Im an asshole (hes an asshole)
    Im an asshole (hes a real fucking asshole)

    Maybe I shouldnt be singing this song
    Ranting and raving and carrying on
    Maybe theyre right when they tell me Im wrong
    Nah

    Im an asshole (hes an asshole)
    Im an asshole (hes the worlds biggest asshole)

    You know what Im gonna do
    Im gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible
    Hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps
    And all leather cow interior
    And make brown baby seal eyes for head lights (yeah)
    And Im gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour
    Gettin' 1 mile per gallon,
    Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds
    In the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers
    And when Im done sucking down those greeseball burgers
    Im gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
    And then Im gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side
    And there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it
    You know why, because weve got the bombs, thats why
    2 words, nuclear fucking weapons, OK?
    Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want
    They can have a big democracy cakewalk
    Right through the middle of Tiananmen Square
    and it wont make a lick of difference
    Because weve got the bombs, OK?
    John Wayne's not dead, hes frozen, and as soon as we find a cure for cancer
    Were gonna thaw out the duke and hes gonna be pretty pissed off
    You know why,
    Have you ever taken a cold shower, well multiply that by 15 million times
    Thats how pissed off the dukes gonna be!
    I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Cassavetes,
    and Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckinpah, and a case of whiskey,
    and drive down to Texas and say.....

    (Hey! You know, you really are an asshole!)
    Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?
    Im an asshole (hes an asshole)
    Im an asshole (hes the worlds biggest asshole)

    A-S-S-H-O-L-E
    Everybody
    A-S-S-H-O-L-E

    Im an asshole and Im proud of it

Comments: 2

  • Lalah from Wasilla, AkIt makes sense. Dennis is from Massachusetts. This guy has the best rants still.
  • Daniel from Winchester, Ohwow its actually on here that's awesome, this song will dominate the entire world!!!
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