Word Crimes

Album: Mandatory Fun (2014)
Charted: 39
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  • Everybody shut up, woo!
    Everyone listen up!
    Hey, hey, hey, uh
    Hey, hey, hey

    If you can't write in the proper way
    If you don't know how to conjugate
    Maybe you flunked that class
    And maybe now you find
    That people mock you online

    Okay, now here's the deal
    I'll try to educate ya
    Gonna familiarize
    You with the nomenclature
    You'll learn the definitions
    Of nouns and prepositions
    Literacy's your mission
    And that's why I think it's a

    Good time
    To learn some grammar
    Now, did I stammer
    Work on that grammar
    You should know when
    It's "less" or it's "fewer"
    Like people who were
    Never raised in a sewer

    I hate these word crimes
    Like I could care less
    That means you do care
    At least a little
    Don't be a moron
    You'd better slow down
    And use the right pronoun
    Show the world you're no clown
    Everybody wise up!

    Say you got an "I","T"
    Followed by apostrophe, "s"
    Now what does that mean?
    You would not use "it's" in this case
    As a possessive
    It's a contraction
    What's a contraction?
    Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of words
    By the omission of a sound or letter

    Okay, now here's some notes
    Syntax you're always mangling
    No "x" in "espresso"
    Your participle's danglin'
    But I don't want your drama
    If you really wanna
    Leave out that Oxford comma
    Just keep in mind

    That "be", "see", "are", "you"
    Are words, not letters
    Get it together
    Use your spellchecker
    You should never
    Write words using numbers
    Unless you're seven
    Or your name is Prince

    I hate these word crimes
    You really need a
    Full time proofreader
    You dumb mouth-breather
    Well, you should hire
    Some cunning linguist
    To help you distinguish
    What is proper English

    One thing I ask of you
    Time to learn your homophones is past due
    Learn to diagram a sentence too
    Always say "to whom"
    Don't ever say "to who"
    And listen up when I tell you this
    I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis
    You finished second grade
    I hope you can tell
    If you're doing good or doing well
    About better figure out the difference
    Irony is not coincidence
    And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull
    What's figurative and what's literal
    Oh but, just now, you said
    You literally couldn't get out of bed
    That really makes me want to literally
    Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head

    I read your e-mail
    It's quite apparent
    Your grammar's errant
    You're incoherent
    Saw your blog post
    It's really fantastic
    That was sarcastic (Oh, psych!)
    'Cause you write like a spastic

    I hate these Word Crimes
    Your prose is dopey
    Think you should only
    Write in emoji
    Oh, you're a lost cause
    Go back to pre-school
    Get out of the gene pool
    Try your best to not drool

    Never mind I give up
    Really now I give up
    Hey, hey, hey
    Hey, hey, hey
    Go away! Lyrics licensed and provided by LyricFind

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