I've Got A Monster

Album: Partners In Grime (1997)
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  • "'Erm Doreen, I've got a confession to make. I'm not like ordinary boys"
    "Oh Ivor, I know you're not like ordinary boys, you're about thirty years older than most of them for a start"
    "No Doreen, I've got a strange peculiarity. Every time the moon is full I... scn*@!!rgggh"
    "Oooh yeah you're right, you're not like ordinary boys..."

    Well I'm Dr. Frankenstein
    And I've got a monster
    And I'll show you this monster of mine if anyone wants-ter
    It's a biggun, it's got wrinkly bits that dangle down to there
    It's pink and blue and purple and it's covered up with hair
    If you meet it in the midnight hour you're gonna get a scare
    And everything would be just fine
    If you had a monster like mine

    "Hello baby, how would you like to be filled with Dread? Judge this for size..."

    I'm Frankenstein's monster
    I'm custom designed
    I've got a bolt through m' neck
    And a screw on m' mind
    He made me out of fibre-glass
    And doner kebabs and conkers
    Meccano, tripe and bits of pipe
    And a couple of donkey's plonkers
    I think the Baron stitched me up
    M' knob's a vacuum cleaner
    I gave a cough
    M' balls dropped off
    Just call me Frankensteina

    "Blimey, this place is full of monsters and su(t)ch.."

    I'm Dracula, I'm most unsanitary
    I'd rather suck than fornicate
    I dress like Bryan Ferry
    I drink the blood of virgins
    I live in Notting Hill Gate
    I haven't had a decent meal
    Since nineteen fifty-eight
    They say I am a stupid count
    I have a sucking force
    At least that's what he thinks they say
    He could be wrong of course

    "Landlord, mix me a Bloody Mary before I go batty"

    He's a friend of Dr. Frankenstein
    And he's got a monster
    And he'll show you its disgusting design
    If anyone wants-ter
    He'd love to suck your jugular
    He's got no moral fibre
    He's a nasty fly-by-night
    A rhesus positive inbiber
    And Peter Cushing's pushing
    Half a fence post up his khyber
    The future looks pretty grim
    If you are a monster like him

    "Come on you Wolves"

    We are hairy werewolves, when a bad moon's on the rise
    We all start looking like motorhead and our choppers increase in size
    And ever since we were in the cubs we've crept around in castles
    And scratched for fleas and piddled on trees and sniffed each other's ars'oles
    Red Riding Hood thinks we're dead good although we've got the mange
    She likes it doggy fashion, excuse me while I change

    They call him Dr. Frankenstein, 'cause he's got a monster
    He'll show you his disgusting design if anyone wants-ter
    It's a biggun, it's got wrinkly bits that dangle down to there
    It's pink and blue and purple and it's covered up with hair
    If you meet it in the midnight hour you're gonna get a scare
    And everything would be just fine, if you had a monster like mine

    "We're not scared of the Mummy's curse"
    "Well I know something ten times worse..."
    I'm a wanker Writer/s: IVOR BIGGUN
    Publisher: Universal Music Publishing Group
    Lyrics licensed and provided by LyricFind

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