Album: Running With Scissors (1999)
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  • Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
    You know the place
    Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

    Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
    My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

    Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
    Every single mornin'
    It was driving me crazy

    I said to my mom
    I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
    And my dear, sweet mother
    She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
    And she leaned right down next to me
    And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
    And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
    And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

    That's when I swore that someday
    Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
    Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
    And the towels are oh so fluffy
    Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
    And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

    Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

    Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
    Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
    To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
    I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
    That's right, a first class one-way ticket to


    Oh yeah
    You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
    And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
    Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
    And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
    The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
    And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
    And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
    And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
    And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
    Except for me
    You know why?

    'Cause I had my tray table up
    And my seat back in the full upright position
    Had my tray table up
    And my seat back in the full upright position
    Had my tray table up
    And my seat back in the full upright position

    Ah ha ha ha
    Ah ha ha

    So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
    I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
    Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
    And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
    And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
    But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
    Where the towels are oh so fluffy
    And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
    It's OK, they're clean

    Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
    And I turned on the SpectraVision
    And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
    That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

    Well now, who could that be?
    I say "Who is it?"
    No answer
    "Who is it?"
    There's no answer
    "WHO IS IT?"
    They're not sayin' anything

    So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
    It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
    Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
    So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
    And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
    "That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
    And he's like "Tough"
    And I'm like "Give it"
    And he's like "Make me"
    And I'm like "'Kay"
    So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
    And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
    And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
    Yes indeed, you better believe it
    And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
    And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
    And you know what it said?
    I'll tell you what it said

    It said
    "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
    "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
    "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
    "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

    In Albuquerque

    Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
    But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
    I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
    But first, I decided to buy some donuts

    So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
    And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
    And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
    I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
    He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
    I said "You got any jelly donuts?"
    He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
    I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
    He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
    I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
    He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
    I said "You got any apple fritters?"
    He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
    I said "You got any bear claws?"
    He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
    "No, we're outta bear claws"
    I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
    He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
    I said "OK, I'll take that"

    So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
    And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
    (rabid gnawing sounds)
    Oh man, they were just going nuts
    They were tearin' me apart
    You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head
    I believe it went a little something like this . . .

    Get 'em off me
    Get 'em off me
    No, get 'em off, get 'em off
    Oh, oh God, oh God
    Oh, get 'em off me
    Oh, oh God
    Ah, (more screaming)

    I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
    Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
    Like a constipated weiner dog
    And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
    Her name was Zelda
    She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
    I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
    She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

    That's when I knew it was true love
    We were inseperable after that
    Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
    We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
    The world was our burrito
    So we got married and we bought us a house
    And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
    Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

    But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
    She said "Sweetie pumpkin, do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
    I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby"
    "I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
    So we broke up and I never saw her again
    But that's just the way things go

    In Albuquerque

    Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
    Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
    That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
    I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
    Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
    I was gettin' a lot of attitude

    OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
    Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
    When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
    So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
    And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
    "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

    So I did

    And then he gets all indignant on me
    He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
    Well, that's just great
    How was I supposed to know that?
    I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
    Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
    So what's he complaining about?

    Say, that reminds me of another amusing antic joke
    This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days
    Well, I knew what he meant
    But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
    And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
    And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
    But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
    (screaming sounds)
    You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
    Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

    Anyway, um, um, where was I?
    Kinda lost my train of thought

    Uh, well, uh, OK
    Anyway I, I know it's kinda a roundabout way of saying it
    But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is


    That's all I'm really tryin' to say
    And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
    And find yourself in an existential quandry
    Full of loathing and self-doubt
    And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
    At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
    Somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up universe of ours
    There's still a little place called

    Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    Albuquerque, Albuquerque

    I said "A" (A)
    "L" (L)
    "B" (B)
    "U" (U)
    "querque" (querque)

    Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

    Lyrics licensed and provided by LyricFind

Comments: 16

  • Patrick from Wahiawa, HiUh oh, Arlo Guthrie's discovered Speed!
  • Jason from Morganton, GaIt is not a parody of a song. It is a parody of a style, which really makes it more of a tribute than a parody. However, this is indeed as original a song as any song you hear and think "that reminds me of ..."
  • Jay from Brooklyn, NyI have never heard this song - I just discovered the lyrics while wandering randomly around Songfacts, so perhaps my opinion is not the most valid - but the song seems to me to be a stylistic parody of "Alice's Restaurant Massacree."
  • Faro from Albany, GaThis song is really funny. I was able to repeat every word (almost) exactly after the first time. The words just stuck.
  • Kate from Forked River, NjHe played this song at both of the concerts I went to, in Westbury and in Atlantic City.
  • Logan from Troy, MtTo all those people who don't think this song isn't a parody of something... sad to say but... It is.

    Like "Dare to be Stupid" is a parody of Devo's sound, "Albuquerque" is in fact, a parody of another band. Ready for whom?

    It's the Rugburns' "Dick's Automotive". That song goes on endlessly too, it's spoken for the most part, and it stops to say the chorus every couple of bars.

    If you haven't heard it, check it out.
  • Stephanie from Edmonton, AbThis was the encore for the tour he played in Edmonton. I also Hate Sauerkraut!!! :)
  • Aaron from East Syracuse,new York, NyDood u guys have no idea the work that Al put into this song. Do you Realize thas its the only truly Original song that he did? No respect at all. if i were you, i would get off this forum and do some serious soul searching.If you still feel like you need to keep mocking his song after that, you should get a life.
  • Brad from Knoxville, TnWOOOOOOOOOO!!!! weird al rules!! none of his songs really carry any important meaning but they will make you laugh until your head explodes!!!!!!!!!
  • James from Gettysburg, PaMe and my brothers discovered this song at the back of the the Running with Scissors album, and we laughed our asses off. This is his funniest song, bar none.
  • Matthew from Milford, MaThis song doesn't really parody anything specific, but it may be a general parody; "Dare to Be Stupid" parodies Devo, so this could imitate a particular band or be a parody of a particular genre.
  • J.d. from Detroit, MiI sent the lyrics to my sister, who asked what tune goes with the lyrics. My guess it that it is a "talking blues" spoken over a G/C/D/G cord progression. I could also blow some harp lyrics if I could find my G harp and holder. She also asked what song it is a parody of. I am not all that familiar with Wierd Al's songs, but I know that many of them are parodies--(my most recently acquired W.A.Y. song is "Another One Gets on the Bus." Anyone else out there have an idea what song "Albuqerque" parodies?--J.D., Detroit
  • Darrell from EugeneSpeaking of the Sizzler, the one near me has been replaced with a Boston Chicken outlet, and I have one of the Sizzler T-shirts that was intended for someone half my age yet still makes this 64-year-old coot look sexy on behalf of the name on the front. Yes, I admit, I am old enough to be the father or even grandfather of most Weird Al fans, but I still love his music, and the only thing that I like sauerkraut on is a good kosher hot dog.
  • Matthew from Milford, MaI swear, the song is, like, 12 minutes long!
  • Ralph from Newton, MaJust as I suspected, It's a fat hermaphrodite with one nostril and a Flock-of-Seagulls haircut. Man I hate it when I'm right.
  • Tony from Topeka, KsThis is more of an elaborate spoken story than a song, but I like it. I HATE SAUERKRAUT!!
see more comments

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