Close But No Cigar

Album: Straight Outta Lynwood (2006)
  • Jillian was her name
    She was sweeter than aspartame
    Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
    And after that I never was the same

    And I loved her even more
    Than Marlon Brando loved souffle
    She was gorgeous, she was charming
    Yeah, she was perfect in every way

    Except she was always using the word "infer"
    When she obviously meant "imply"
    And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
    But frankly, I can't imagine why

    And I told her, I said
    Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?
    No, I don't think we are!
    You're close! (Close!)
    But no cigar!

    Then I met sweet young Janet
    Prettiest thing on the planet
    Had a body hotter than a habanjero
    She had lips like a ripe pomegranate

    And I was crazy like Manson about her
    She got me all choked up like Mama Cass
    She had a smile so incredibly radiant
    You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass

    I thought after all these years of searching around
    I'd found my soul mate finally
    But one day I found out she actually owned a copy
    Of Joe dirt on DVD

    Oh, no! I said
    Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?
    No I don't think we are!
    You're close! (Close!)
    Oh, so very close! (Close!)
    Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)
    So close!
    But no cigar!

    Oh, yeah!
    Oh, no!
    Oh, yeah!
    Oh, no!

    Julie played water polo
    She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
    She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near
    My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo

    And she was everything I've dreamed of
    She moved right up to number one on my list
    And did I mention she's a world famous billionaire
    Bikini supermodel astrophysicist

    Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
    Look like a big fat slobbering pig
    The only caveat is one of her earlobes
    Was just a little tiny bit too big

    I said
    Hey! Are we doing government work here?
    No I don't think we are!
    You're close! (Close!)
    So very, very close! (Close!)
    Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)
    So close!
    But no cigar!

    Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)
    Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)
    Really, really, really close!
    Publisher: BMG Rights Management
    Lyrics licensed and provided by LyricFind

Comments: 1

  • Marge from North Granby, CtAs usual, Al has absolutely nailed CAKE in this little send-up. He makes sure to use a vibraslap to punctuate his lyrics (John McCrea of CAKE has a weakness for the instrument), "Close" has a punchy and ironical trumpet riff just like Vince DiFiore would have contributed, there's a bit of background chorus, and, best of all, some background hollering of "Oh, yeah!" and so on, just like McCrea... But while he gets all the style points, this is not musically a direct parody of any one song. Thematically, it one-ups Short Skirt/Long Jacket, itself a somewhat parodical picture of the perfect woman, but it is an original tune. Perhaps almost a tribute?
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